The average American will spend $119.76 on Valentine's Day this year. If you're planning to drop that kind of jing on a corporate-sponsored "holiday" (don't doubt it: one billion valentines will be sent worldwide this year—that's big business, folks!), at least try and do it with a little originality. Here are some suggestions that stray a bit off the traditional flowers and candy path:

Mini Mo's Bacon Bar
Everyone's favorite breakfast meat is now available dipped in rich milk chocolate. Thanks to Mini Mo's Bacon Bar, clogging your arteries has never been so sweet. I'm holding out for the chicken-fried version.

Glow-In-The-Dark Roses
Apparently, the Dutch like to say "I Love You" with bouquets of irradiated flora. Actually, the eerie green glow is the result of a "non-toxic chemical spray." Contact FloraHollandBV to nab some of these and scare the living hell out of a loved one. Hazmat suit not included.

Lobster-Gram
Nothing shows you care like the gift of a live, wriggling, heavily-armored crustacean. Lobster-gram offers up a variety of delectable treats, including live lobster and "fine meats," delivered fresh to your door. So, don that "Kiss The Cook" apron, fire up the stove, and get your v-day celebrations off to an oh-so-humane start by boiling up some bottom-feeders!

And The "I Don't Love You That Much" Award Goes To...
Love has its limits. Before you disagree, I urge you to consider the TwoDaLoo tandem toilet pictured below. I'm sorry, but there are some things two people were never meant to share.

Happy Valentine's Day!

—Tom